I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
