Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Congratulations! We have a period
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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