Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
