I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The Olympian is in my bed
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
