Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
