Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
