yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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