I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
