If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
