She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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