saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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