I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
