Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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