I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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