sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
