Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
