Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
