I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
