Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Congratulations! We have a period
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