I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
