I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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