I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
