Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
