I would go down on you faster than GM stock
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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