You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
