I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
