It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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