I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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