i wish my penis had a tongue
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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