what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
