My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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