woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
