I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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