You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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