please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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