I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Randomize
