Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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