I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
