just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize