I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
