Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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