Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
