I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
