I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have grass duct taped all over my body
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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