I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
