I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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