Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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