So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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