Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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