All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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