I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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