This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
