Pants 0. Shit 1.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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