If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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