i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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