Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
