Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
