The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize