Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
