U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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