i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
