i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
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