shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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