I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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