i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
